Stress Less: Rebalance Your Workload

Research has established that women pay the price of an unequal division of household chores and childcare, even when both partners work. Most women want to shift some of these responsibilities onto their partners or other household members, but it’s hard to know where to start to change this often decades-long pattern.

At the end of the day, many women don’t question why they take on so much responsibility or don’t ask for help. In midlife, this emotional and practical labor can reach a boiling point and it’s common for women to feel resentful towards those they’ve been caring for. At this tipping point, explosions can occur. It’s no surprise that the divorce rate in midlife is high, and women are more likely than men to initiate divorce.

According to Harvard researcher Ashley Whillans,

“One thing people get wrong about happiness is they focus on the extraordinary instead of the ordinary. We think that happiness comes from big or transformative experiences, but we neglect how we can spend moments in happier ways on a daily basis. All my research says that the best way people can be happier is to spend $40 on a time-saving service. Instead of fighting with your spouse over who should do the laundry, hire a laundry service. Forgo that time fighting to make a meal together or go for a walk with the person you love.”

An essential skill to master to rebalance your life is the ability to say “no.” Conditioning that starts in childhood predisposes many women to say “yes” to virtually everything.

Do you need to continue this pattern, or prove that you can maintain control over everyone and everything? Learning to say no is a skill, and it is a crucial self-care habit. It’s time to just say no and start setting boundaries. This one change will free up time for more self-care and lower your stress level.

How To Do It

Ready to start rebalancing your workload but not sure how to start? Follow this step-by-step guide.

1. Make a list of daily, weekly, and monthly activities you handle.
2. Start the conversation with your partner, kids, or others you are responsible for to reset expectations. Find a quiet time with no disruptions.
3. Allow yourself to be vulnerable and share your feelings.
4. Figure out together how you can reallocate responsibilities, including household chores, errands, finances, meal prep, and anything else you need to get off your plate.
5. If your budget permits, pay for professionals and services that take chores off of your plate.
6. Be patient and non-critical of how someone else handles a task. It’s an ongoing conversation as you work through adjustments and figure out how to deal with new responsibilities. Remember, people can have a different strategy that is just as effective—or, they just need to learn. Being critical, especially in the beginning can lead to more strife. Make gentle suggestions when the timing is right. Eventually, you’ll both get to a place you can be happy with.
7. Practice saying “no” when people ask you to take on a task or project.
8. Periodically reevaluate and rebalance your workload. Consider having a regular monthly meeting to discuss how things are going and plan upcoming activities like a trip or getting taxes done.

Changing long-standing roles takes time. Taking on new responsibilities may feel uncomfortable at first for everyone involved. Be persistent, and you’ll get there. If communication and change continue to be difficult, consider seeing a therapist or relationship coach who can act as a mediator.